This past Sunday I was watching the Discovery Channel's Real Saddam and Capturing Saddam - sort of the E! True Hollywood Story/VH-1 Behind the Music (or should I say, Where Are They Now?) specials - on the recently captured former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein. On Dec. 13, Hussein was caught by American troops while cowering in a "spider hole" in his home town of Tikrit with nothing but a pistol and $750,000 in cash. Congratulations go out to our men and women in uniform for capturing this nutbag. But Saddam, I gotta ask you, what in the hell were you thinking?
You're the grand prize in one of the biggest scavenger hunts in history - the ace of spades in the deck of despots, the Dr. Richard Kimball of Iraq. Meanwhile, the United States military is conducting a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, outhouse, doghouse and henhouse in that area, and where do you hide?
You hide in hole in the ground by a shack in your hometown.
Even better, they find you with nothing but a pistol and $750,000. A) If I have 130,000 U.S. troops and 10,000 British troops coming after me, I think I might want more than a pistol. B) If I have $750,000, I wouldn't be hiding in a hole in the ground by a shack in my hometown. For the love of God, man - I get a measly $50 every other week to use in this article and I've come up with a hell of a lot more creative stuff than that in the past.
Here's my plan:
If and when I become an egomaniacal autocrat who abuses my power and squirrels away oodles of cash (I've given some thought to either taking over a small banana republic or perhaps running for office in Hudson County) and I'm suddenly deposed and under the microscope of a massive manhunt to bring me to justice, I'd use a little logic before I go on the lam.
First of all, if throughout my reign I plastered my face to every building, put a statue in every town, and even went as far as to put my image on the currency, I might give a thought to the possibility of having some plastic surgery done. Granted, it would be a shame, perhaps even a sacrilege to alter my stunningly handsome visage (see photo above), but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'd run to the rhinoplastician, ask for the Brad Pitt Special, and start fresh. I'd assume an alter-ego, perhaps Art Vandalay or Dr. Martin VonNostrant if those haven't already been taken, and I'd begin my new life as the new me.
Secondly, I'd get the hell out of the immediate area in which people were searching for me. I hear the south coast of Thailand is quite nice, or perhaps even Sri Lanka - any sort of tourist area where no one would suspect a thing. I'd develop a New Zealand accent and tell people I'm just a backpacker on holiday, then spend the rest of my life getting drunk on cheap local beer and scoring with all the touro-trash chicks that happen to ebb and flow through my little seaside lair (keeping in mind I now look like Brad Pitt and it's synthetic, so it should outlast even his looks).
Here's what I wouldn't do - I wouldn't hide in hole in the ground by a shack in my hometown. I wouldn't run back to Baldwinsville, N.Y. because I think they just might be smart enough to look for me there. I wouldn't crawl under some shack where I used to stash my booze in high school and use the three-quarters of a million dollars I had with me as nothing but a pillow because I think there just might be better ways to use three-quarters of a million dollars!!! Seriously folks, how did a man this stupid stay in power this long???
While it's easy for me to sit back and make fun of this guy, the fact is he has a lot to answer for, and it's remarkable that our men and women in uniform were able to capture him alive. No matter how you feel about the war, it's hard to dispute the terror he has inflicted upon the people of Iraq. And whether or not you agree with our troops being there, you have to give them the credit they deserve for getting this job done.
Hopefully this expedites the process of bringing peace to Iraq, so that next Christmas our troops will be home with their families.
Godspeed, God bless, and get home soon. And most of all, thanks - it's good to know "We got him."
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the Metro-area, please email If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the Metro-area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Hudson Current
1400 Washington Street
Hoboken, New Jersey 07030
or email c_halleron@yahoo.com
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